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  Fuck that, he was going to pay!

  ***

  “Is it always like this?” my mother asked Blake while the two of them worked on cleaning the fresh cut above my left eye. I refused to look at either of them, I was still fuming from the evening. I didn’t want my parents to know I fucked up, hell, I’ve been living with the consequences for several days.

  Jay hated me, but he was cordial. He and I were once close, we were once able to talk about anything, but not anymore. I saw the way he looked at me, like I was scum.

  So many nights I wanted to go to Jade and apologize. Yeah, I knew she was part of it, she was a willing participant, but we fucked up. It had not escaped me that since that night Jade hadn’t come back to the house. I noticed the looks I got when I entered a room filled with my brothers. Almost like I was the topic of conversation and now they had to find something or someone else to talk about.

  “Mostly.” Blake shrugged and I shot her a glare that didn’t seem to faze her. “What I mean is that the twins can make any situation crazy.”

  A few minutes of silence pasted over the kitchen, my mother looking at me with concern and Blake slowly looking uncomfortable about being present during this mother-son moment.

  “Well.” Blake stepped back and tossed the Q-tip in the waste basket. “Everything looks good here. I think I’m gonna go find Eli and make him buy me dinner.”

  And with that she disappeared.

  Again I was met with silence and without even looking at my mother, I knew that she was watching me closely. “I screwed up,” I said, focusing on the empty chair across from me because I knew looking at her would only make me fall apart. I was a momma’s boy, always had been. I wasn’t ashamed, my mom fucking rocked. She was the foundation that kept my faith and I standing, she was the reasoning, and when need be, she was judge and jury to all our madness.

  “How are you going to make it right?”

  That got a chuckle, because how in the hell was it possible to right a wrong like that one?

  “Have you talked to…Jay, is it?”

  I nodded, still refusing to look at her.

  “And?”

  “And nothing.” I heard her shift at my side and I looked just as she sat down in the chair next to me. It was the first time I saw the look in her eyes and it wasn’t disgust, it was concern. “I’ve apologized over and over and I can see that it doesn’t matter. Jay’s sister hasn’t had it easy with guys, and my screw-up just added another obstacle.”

  “You’ve apologized to Jay, but have you apologized to the sister?”

  “No.”

  “So that’s where you start.”

  My mother stood, leaned over, and pressed a kiss to my head. “Your father and I are going to take off for the night.” She didn’t wait for me to respond before leaving me alone with my own thoughts.

  I don’t know how long I sat in the empty kitchen. How long I weighed out my options, and talking myself down each time I thought about searching out Jay and having it out one way or the other.

  I stood and walked toward the fridge, grabbing a beer and popping the top. My mind raced as I walked toward my room and stepped inside. I paused, staring at the unmade bed, my mind going to that night. The night I fucked everything up.

  The longer I stared at the wadded sheets the more that night came back to me. Yeah, I was drunk, massively, but I remembered small bits and pieces. I remembered an array of blonde hair shielding a woman’s face as she moved over me. The roll of her hips, the glide of her heat taking me inside of her again and again.

  Shaking away the thoughts, I realized what the visions were doing to me and I felt immediately guilty for thinking of Jay’s sister that way.

  As if I hadn’t fucked up enough already, I was only adding fuel to the fire with fantasies that I truly needed to forget.

  It was dangerous.

  And I needed to stop.

  Chapter Nine

  Jade

  Bending over at the waist, I placed my hands on my knees and took in a slow, deep breath. My lungs were on fire, my legs ached.

  Five miles, after not running for months, was pushing it, I know. But my body remembered the push, I’d been a runner for years. It was always a coping mechanism, a way to deal with everything in my life that I couldn’t control.

  Have a bad day, run.

  A bad break up, run.

  My father once again disappointing me, run.

  Lately I’d developed a new form of coping, one that had me hiding away and hoping that ignoring whatever’s going on would disappear so I never had to face it. Disappearing, hiding, that wasn’t working for me, it was changing who I was, making the real me fade away.

  So today, I ran.

  This was all part of my no longer settling phase. This was me fighting, refusing to hide away and waste. But right now, I was thinking I should have gone a little light for my first run.

  Standing, I arched my back and looked up to the sunny sky above. Another deep breath and I could finally feel myself calming. My lungs burned a little less, my breathing slowed as I continued to walk in place to keep my muscles from cramping.

  The parking lot of my apartment building was just up ahead and though I felt like I couldn’t move another foot, I pushed forward. Walking at a slow, even pace, I paused just at the bottom of the stairs and took a few extra minutes to stretch my muscles. The pull felt amazing.

  Soothing almost.

  Climbing the stairs, I opened my front door and walked straight to the bathroom. My body was sticky, my clothes fused to me like a second skin. Not to mention I smelled.

  Flipping the water on, I stuck my hand under the flow, waiting for it to warm. Once the desired temperature was reached, I closed the curtain and started to remove my clothes.

  The water felt amazing. I leaned my head back, allowing it to pelt my face before stepping further into the spray. I spent a little extra time beneath the warm water, enjoying the way it felt on my sore muscles before getting out and grabbing a towel.

  Once dressed in my comfy shorts and t-shirt, I began drying my hair before opening the cabinet below my sink and searching for my brush.

  I paused, looking at the contents beneath my bathroom sink. Staring at each of them, a million thoughts rolled around in my head. Thoughts, questions, fears, and finally devastation.

  A loud knock on the door jerked me out of my horrified state. But I didn’t move, I couldn’t. My mind was racing but my body was frozen.

  The knock came again, only louder. Slowly and very carefully I stood from the floor and closed the cabinet, hiding away the evidence of yet another screw-up in my life. I fought the impending tears, I fought them with everything I had.

  As I walked down the hallway it felt forever long. Like getting to the door would take a lifetime.

  Another knock and I paused, considering ignoring whoever it was on the opposite side. Peeking through the peephole, my heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly and I took in a slow, calming breath. Nausea hit me hard.

  Standing on the opposite side of the door was the one person I didn’t want to see. The one I couldn’t see, not now. Not when both my life and his was about to be flipped upside down and spun out of control.

  ***

  “Wait, you’re pregnant?”

  I nodded as I looked down at the test in my hand, unable to see anything else but the plus sign.

  “But who…” Ruby paused and I still didn’t look at her. I knew she only needed a minute to put it all together. “Oh,” she said in a hushed whisper and I felt a hollowness fill my stomach. Oh was right. “Oh,” she repeated and I understood that it was all really sinking in now. I’d had hours ahead of her recent discovery to digest this.

  I’d moved on to things such as shit, idiot, what in the hell is wrong with you, and why do you keep screwing things up.

  But for her Oh was right, so now what? I was pregnant by the guy who had made it very clear to everyone that he had absolutely no intentions of
settling down anytime soon. I was pretty sure that included being a daddy to a baby you shared with a girl you had a one-night stand with.

  Then Jay’s face came into view in my mind and again I felt sick to my stomach.

  “How do I tell my brother?” It was a whispered question more for myself than Ruby, but when she reached out and placed her hand on my leg, I finally looked up and saw her. I half expected fear or even a sadness of my newfound situation but that wasn’t present.

  She was smiling.

  Yeah, smiling like this news was the best news ever.

  “Clearly you’ve forgotten how my brother acted when he found out I’d slept with his friend. This right here,” I shook the test in my hand, “it’s that times one hundred, so why in the hell are you smiling?”

  “Okay, fine.” She honestly huffed like I was acting irrational and this was no big deal. “So a baby wasn’t in the plans.”

  “Nope, not anywhere. In fact, I’ve always said no kids. Not one, I never wanted to be a mom. Mine was an epic failure and I’d do nothing but ruin a child’s life, yet here I am…” I don’t finish the sentence because the bile was already beginning to rise in my throat.

  Run.

  That was my thought, but not for a few miles, I’m talking hundreds and hundreds of them. Hide, yes, that familiar thought resurfacing. I could feel myself starting to panic and I stood, trying to regain some control.

  “Jade.” Ruby hurried after me as I walked to the sink and splashed cold water on my face. “Breathe.”

  “I can’t.” Oh my God, it was coming. There was no stopping it. Pushing off the sink, I rushed toward the bathroom, and just as I passed over the threshold, I dropped and heaved. My head raced, tears prickled my eyes, and I was reminded of the one time before that I’d seen that plus sign.

  The time no one knew about but me.

  The time when I’d made the mistake of trusting a man and thinking I could finally have a life with someone who loved me. The time I let my guard down and allowed that same man to shatter that vision.

  For now I’d hold onto this secret, I’d keep it safe. Now to convince Ruby to do the same.

  Chapter Ten

  Isaac

  I rushed out of the front door, already late for meeting my parents for lunch. Colliding with Jay, I stepped back and held up my hands. “Sorry.” He stared at me, and when his nostrils flared I knew we were still in that dark place. Honestly, I wasn’t sure he and I would ever get back to where we once were.

  I wanted to tell him that I went to Jade’s to apologize but I knew that wouldn’t help anything. She didn’t answer the door anyway, so technically no one can out me. It was my mother’s idea and I was positive it would change nothing between her and me, or her brother.

  The damage was done.

  “Hey Rubes.” She offered me a sympathetic smile and again I was reminded of her innocence. She was adorable in that quiet way. She’d had a shit run and it didn’t taint her, instead it managed to make her purer and more understanding. “You guys have a good day.”

  I walked away and felt like I’d been kicked in the nuts. It was hard to breathe.

  Climbing in my car, I drove across town in silence, no radio playing, only the sounds of my regrets racing in my mind.

  Pulling into the parking lot, I saw both my parents sitting outside on the bench waiting for me. I did my best to hide my feelings and painted on a smile.

  Five minutes in I was reminded that hiding anything from my mom was impossible. She was a human lie detector with my father and me, apparently we wore our emotions on our sleeves. Or in our eyes, as she stated.

  “So because she didn’t answer you decide that the attempt was all that was needed and you give up.”

  “What is me apologizing gonna change? Honestly, it’s most likely gonna piss Jay off even more.” I picked at the bread on my plate and cast my gaze down. Somehow looking my mother in the eyes made things harder. She had the ability to make me crumble even when I was doing my very best to remain tough and unaffected.

  Truth was that being on the outs with Jay was ripping me apart. I’d never had brothers, and now I did. Their disappointment or indifference was almost as bad as my parents’.

  “She was there,” my mother began and still I didn’t look up. “You both made the decision together, but maybe she needs a little reminder of the fact that what took place doesn’t diminish her worth. You’re both young and things happen, but hearing you say you’re sorry could go a long way. Maybe Jay will see it also, see it as you are more than just another guy taking from her without looking back.”

  “So you heard about her past too?”

  Of course she did, as if Tweedle Dum would leave anything untold. I swear to it I was going to find the best way to get Corbin back and show him that being a fucking tell all wasn’t in his best interest.

  I silently wondered if sending the multiple videos I had from over the years to his mother would be a step too far.

  That woman would be on the first plane here and we could all sit back and watch while she followed him around for days setting him straight.

  “I just wanna give it a little more time, but I’ll talk to her. I’ll talk to them both.”

  She seemed satisfied with that and moved on to the location of the next stop on their around the world tour. I heard about the views, the hiking trails, and the peacefulness. It was nice not to be the topic of conversation for a change.

  That was until we circled back around to discuss my plans, my goals, and ended our visit with how proud they were of me. If they knew half the shit I’d done over the last four years they might be singing a different tune. Lately I didn’t feel like I deserved that pride.

  ***

  I could hear the sounds of the party outside my room, but I didn’t feel much up for company. I placed my earbuds in my ears over an hour ago but it didn’t help.

  I slipped a sweatshirt over my head, bent over to tie my shoes, and gathered my keys. Stepping out into the hall, I double checked that my door was locked and walked toward the noise.

  Many stopped me on my way through, asking where I’d been, but I hurried through and avoided anything that would hold me for too long. I ignored the looks from my friends and sought out the front door.

  Walking outside, I took in the crisp air and breathed in deep.

  No idea where I was going, but knowing that I needed to leave, I walked toward my car.

  “I figured by now you’d be finding your nightly conquest.” I paused with my hand on the handle of my car and knew without turning around that it was Jay. “Don’t tell me that you’ve managed to sleep your way through the female student body already?”

  I could hear the angered tone in his voice and again I felt like I’d been kneed in the gut.

  “Is that why you moved on to my sister?”

  Pushing off my car, I turned around to face him. As he was sitting in the darkness of the porch, I could only see the glow of his shoes, so white against the darkness. His legs stretched out and teetered on the edge of the porch.

  “I’m not gonna make excuses, Jay.” Maybe firing back was a mistake but I’d walked around on eggshells for weeks. I’d let his irritation for me smolder and I’d just accepted it. But for fuck’s sakes, I was not the bad guy here. “Do I regret what took place between us, yes, but not because of her…because of you.” I took another step closer. “I never meant to hurt you, and if I could go back to that night I would have not drank so much so that the decisions I made didn’t take away my brother. I know you hate me right now but I hope that one day you can forgive me, because I miss my brother.”

  He said nothing.

  “Jade is an amazing girl, I thought that before and I still think that. She does deserve nothing but goodness in her life and I’m sorry that you feel like I thought otherwise. But you know me, and whether you choose to let your anger override that or accept that I’m still the same guy is up to you. I went with you to get her from one of her many
douche ex-boyfriends’ houses, ready to kill him for hurting her. I know that I’m not that far off from the hatred you have for them, but I do hope one day that will change.”

  I felt defeated, wiped of all energy. I hated what I’d done, but even if Jay saw it as him that I hurt, the real truth was I didn’t treat his sister much better than any other guy she’d been with. My mother was right, Jade did deserve an apology and until now I didn’t see how much.

  I backed away and spun on my heel, going back to my car. Hitting the button, I unlocked the door and pulled it open.

  “You’re not on the same field as those cowards.” I paused, knowing that if I turned around to face Jay, it would most likely trigger another round of anger. So instead I allowed him to say what he needed to say without seeing my face. “I know you’d never physically hurt her, Isaac, but the thing is she has been emotionally battered for years. She already feels like she isn’t worth much, and for once,” he paused as his voice cracked. I heard him do all he could do to right his emotions before he continued. “I need her to see that she deserves so much more than she has ever been given by our parents, and every guy she trusted. I may be taking some built-up anger out on you that you don’t deserve, but know that I don’t see you the same as them. You’re just a whore.”

  When I heard him chuckle I knew that he and I had reached level ground. The disapproval of my actions was still there but he knew me. So maybe one day we could get back to where we were.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jade

  “Crackers, ginger ale, what else?” I blinked, staring at Ruby as she scanned over the contents on the shelves. At this point even the idea of smelling a cracker made me want to heave with disapproval, but there she stood with a list provided by God knows who. She was determined to help me.

  What she was not comprehending was that I had a human growing inside of me that was sucking the life out of me. Or so it felt. I swear it took every ounce of strength I had to get my pathetic ass out of bed and into her car.